The Good, The Bad, and the Undecideds...

New Zealand is a country of contrasts and quirks. It is fascinating and frustrating, beautiful and backwards, instilling a sense of wonderment in its beholders, while evoking exasperation as well. Of course it has a great deal to offer; National Geographic Traveller magazine doesn’t bestow the title of top travel destination 2009 without guaranteeing its well-deserved (unless of course they’ve been bribed…. with sheep. Have you read some of their articles? There’s a lot of fluff in there! Booo…. Or should I say baaaa), but the National Geographic panel of judges may have been so overwhelmed by this country’s marvellous attributes (or drunk off the wine) that they failed to notice some of the less appealing features. First I will try to sell you on a trip here, then state the reasons you should demand some sort of discount, followed by a few points that make you feel Swiss on the matter…

The Good:

1) Have you seen Lord of the Rings?! Sorry to play that card and I’m sure I will be beat up for it later (most likely by Hana), but it must be done. The landscape is breathtaking. Whether on the coast, surrounded by forest, or gazing at mountains, there seems to be an unlimited supply of "Wow!s" to be pulled out of your word bag and thrown forcefully at the person standing next to you. Pictures don’t do it justice. It’s wicked as.

2) 2) There is a gastronomically delightful experience to be had by everyone. Whether you are sugar-free, gluten-free, lactose-free, cruelty-free, does-not-cast-a-shadow, or even just one of those strange unenlightened ‘normies’ you will ask and it will be deliciously given. Kiwis take pride in their food and wine and rightfully so. I could go on for a while about this… and probably will in another note.

3) Festivals. On every corner, weekend, and interest. Music fests with amazing international and local acts, food and wine events, art and film festivals from different nations, extreme sports, unicycles, sheep shearing, Haka dance competitions, you name it, it’s taking place in festival form somewhere in the country right now….

There are of course many more goods, but we need to leave some room for…

The Bads:

1) The housing: Don’t get me wrong, there is some very cool home design around these parts, but the interiors can be lacking in the sense that there is no insulation! What the function? It’s not as though colder temperatures are a recent occurrence. No no, its been cool during winter and spring for a while here, and they’ve seen what’s out there. So use it! Oh and they have two faucets in every bathroom sink, as in one hot tap and one cold tap, which makes about as much sense as tetraneutrons (the first person to write me as to why this doesn't make sense receives a prize in the mail). Scalding hot or freezing cold, these are the only two options for washing your face.

2) Overpriced, terribly slow internet.

3) Overpriced lots of things. Zucchinis, bike parts, shoes, books, contact solution (good thing I don’t wear them :)

4) Very, very, very poor customer service (not in all circumstances, but a lot)

5) Newspapers… or information about the world outside New Zealand, which wouldn’t be so bad if the internet wasn’t so overpriced and terribly slow….

There are of course more bads, but maybe you think they’re in the following category…

The Undecideds

1) No shoes? No problem. You can go barefoot everywhere in the country. Grocery stores, shopping malls, fancy cellar doors for wine tasting, there is always someone exercising their right to let their toes run wild and free.

2) Prostitution is legal.

3) Not wearing a bike helmet on the other hand is illegal (not sure how I feel about this one, studies have shown mandatory helmets are related to increases in bike accidents. The law causes ridership to drop, which leads to motorists being less cautious of cyclists…hmm)

4) Possum culling. Invasive species that has destroyed native flora so they bump off the little guys when/wherever they can. Both make me a sad panda.

5) Marshmallows.

Well that’s it for now. Hopefully, I was able to sell you on a trip to come visit me! The deal is I throw in a free pickup from the airport and a place to sleep…. If you’re still not satisfied, I can offer some sort of daily compliment or clever proverb. You decide.

No shame caves here....

When you visit a country for the first time, someone along the way will pose the question “So what’s the best thing you’ve seen/done/experienced so far?” (The answer to all three is Fried Green Tomatoes) I typically struggle with finding a response to this one. If you’ve constantly been on the go, there can be any number of extraordinary things you’ve experienced, and it can be difficult to find one that truly topped the list as most exceptional. Not so this time.

A few weeks ago, while Hana and I were still nomads, we found ourselves driving through a place called Waitomo, and thought it a good idea to go caving. Okay it really wasn’t that spontaneous. When we first met up in Auckland, there were three serious decisions that were made; Buy a car, drive around in it, and go caving in Waitomo. We employed a number of unique decision-making tactics and analyzed cost-benefit ratios to reach these decisions, so if anyone would like strategy advice let us know.

There are a number of different adventure companies that operate in the area, each one owning the rights to a different cave system and offering various approaches to experiencing them. Abseiling, black water rafting, glow worms, stalagmites and stalactites (know which is which?) were among them. Now in order to address our issues with heights (Hana) and small confined spaces (me… I trace it back to being born), we thought we’d go for something that had everything. We joined a group of six, which included an awesome Canadian couple in their sixties, and two awkward Germans. It was lead by a hilarious kiwi with a sharp tongue and low tolerance for stupidity, and a handsome young apprentice starting out on his first day of work as a cave guide. We only lost half the group that afternoon.

Thus began one of the most incredible things I’ve ever done. Does everyone remember the episode of Caves on Planet Earth where they abseil 30 meters down into the limestone caves and the ceilings are covered in glow worms? That’s where we went. Hana and I spelunked all over that subterranean world. We crawled through tiny rock crevasses, fought our way through rapids, and turned off our headlamps to follow a path that was only lit by millions of (hungry) living stars. All that was missing was the delightful commentary of David Attenborough who I wish narrated my every move. No, I take that back…..

The awesomeness of the day actually did not end there. In asking our cave guide for advice on where we could park our car overnight to sleep, we somehow ended up at his home where we met his wonderful family who welcomed us in, offered us dinner, a place to sleep, and a tour of the largest private collection of chainsaws in the southern hemisphere. It was amazing, both him and his family, and the chainsaws. Best. Episode. Ever.

Now if only we had taken his father’s advice on Wellington…. And the wind. My god, the wind. We can’t say we weren’t warned….

Go sell crazy somewhere else.

If you’re ever looking for a vacation filled with uber-alternative life philosophies, colourful characters (with oh so vibrant auras), and an organic lunch served with a large helping of quack, then look no further then WWOOFing in New Zealand. As I have mentioned previously, Hana and I have been saving money by staying with people for a week or so, and working for them in exchange for food and accommodation. However, there are other unforeseen costs associated with WWOOFing, namely one’s patience and sanity in dealing with the eccentricities of the hosts.

Our first experience was with the German couple, Rolf and Inge, who ran the eco-wellness centre and organic garden in the North. I have already mentioned the homeopathy. Enough said right? Oh, but then there were our lovely lunchtime discussions about a range of topics including salad ingredients, different country’s healthcare systems, local historical must-see sights, and the 2012 Mayan Prophecy. Everyone’s familiar with this one right? I am of course referring to the Mayan Long Count Calendar that ends on Dec. 21, 2012 and posits that some worldwide catastrophic or transformative events will take place that will alter the nature of humanity. Now if all goes well, we could all be looking at advancing to a higher spiritual dimension. That’s the good news. However, if circumstances head in unfavourable directions, we could be looking at a major geomagnetic reversal, and our universe pulsating at a much higher (apparently uninhabitable) frequency. Now if this concerns any of you, I have located our sanctuary. Rolf and Inge have already acquired a special machine that will be able to recreate the frequency of a pre-2012 era, sigh, a simpler time.

And then there was Christine and John, the couple in Waihi who we were supposed to build a shed for. When Hana and I first arrived at their large, somewhat dilapidated Edwardian house, we were greeted at the front door by the bra-less buxom woman Christine who had just finished power washing the side of her house and was soaked head to toe. This was a very interesting, and lasting, first impression. She never did put on a bra. John was an eccentric sort that specialized in fixing harmonic dampers in cars, was obsessed with model airplanes, and thoroughly licked his plate clean after every meal. Christine makes a living through EFT (emotional freedom technique. Manipulating people’s energy fields through tapping on foreheads), sex coaching, and writing erotic novels (New Zealand Best Sellers!). They both practice the blood type diet (you eat things according to what your blood type is), and according to Christine, her and John work well as a couple due to their Chinese and astrological sign alignment (They bickered about some inane thing every 5 min.). Aside from all that, they had the most eclectic collection of STUFF cluttering up every corner of their house that I've ever seen. I felt tidy in comparison! Me!

We never did build the shed. I spent the week mowing the lawn, baking bread, and learning how to knit. John used his engineering expertise to assist in the construction of the shed and infuriate Hana. So Hana spent the week trying not to kill John. Oh, and their cat was cross-eyed.